TO: The Hamburglar
SUBJECT: Final warning…
Let’s cut the shit, shall we? I know you’re the one stealing my packages. It’s not that hard to figure out, buddy. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but fuck that; It has happened for the LAST TIME! Please believe I will get the police involved if I even see you near my yard again. What? No idea what I’m talking about? BULLSHIT!
We’ve been living in the same cul de sac for two years now, and I swear I tried to like you man. When everyone else said “Hey, that neighbor guy of yours; the one who wears the prison stripes and giggles all the time. That dude is NOT on the level” I didn’t listen. I said “Hey, maybe the guy’s eccentric- Leave him alone!”. Was I a fucking schmuck. The FIRST time you stole something from me I should have called the cops. “Oh, I’m sorry- I thought this was like a block party type deal. I can put the burger back”. Who has a block party in their gated backyard?!? Whatever, I was too nice to say anything.
And then that time last December when my lawn menorah suddenly went “missing”. And all you had to say for yourself was “Robble Robble” or some shit. I swear I saw my menorah in your the back of your shitty (fuck you) car like two months later, which was being driven by that Purple stoner you hang out with… and still- too nice to open my mouth. Never again. And your weird purple buddy strikes me as an anti-semite, but I aint even going there.
I’ll have you know that package you stole contains an incredibly rare piece of animation memorabilia that is worth more then you make in a year at your job at…. Exactly. The value of the item would make this a felony offense (I checked w/ my lawyer, Mortie CheeseBerger esq.) and you are looking at serious jail time if you don’t return my package within 24 hours of receiving this notice. How am I so sure you stole my package? Well… I tracked it moron. “Sure it was signed for… At 2pm, by a ginger gentlemen in a cartoonishly large hat and bandit mask”. I DON’T OWN A BANDIT MASK ASSHOLE!
You have one day… Give me back what belongs to me. Or else.
-Matt “Mc” Cohen
P.S You do realize my father in-law is on the force right? You went to high-school with my wife Sheryl Mac for christs-sakes!
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I like movies. A lot. In fact, some of the time, my love for movies borders on creepy obsession. Some of the other time… it doesn’t go so well.
Here’s a look at the 10 most devastatingly/stomach-wrenching/mind numbingly disappointing movies of all time.
They can’t all be winners. (Click for the list) Read More →
Because I put this on at a party the other night, and the overwhelming look of joy on the faces of anyone aged 22-35 made me really happy.
Weezer- No One Else
Because if this doesn’t affect at least some part of your soul, you may not have one.
Either that, or you’re racist.
Blue Hearts- Linda, Linda (リンダリンダ)